In case I forget, here’s my platform for when I run for President in 2020:

• The metric system: we should use it. All measurements must be have metric equivalents listed by the end of my first term. The U.S. will be metric-only by the end of my second term.

• College textbook prices: they’re ridiculous. A cap of $.10 per page will be placed on all textbooks; none of this $ 120 for a 250 page book on hamster psychology.

• Vehicle mileage. Under my administration, it will be illegal to sell a consumer vehicle (ie. not applicable to semis, U-Hauls, etc.) that gets less than 30 mpg. Electricity is here; let’s use it.

• Broadband Internet for everybody: all libraries and schools will have government-provided broadband Internet access and current computer hardware.

• Television stations will be required to have their average volume set at a standard level. The volume buttons on my remote don’t work so well, and I’m tired of leaning in to hear one channel and having my eardrums blown by the next channel.

• Bike lanes will be mandatory on all roads on public University campuses. I’m sick of almost getting mowed down on Washington Avenue just because I can’t bike on the sidewalk.

• In order to receive welfare, government-subsidized student loans, or any other sort of federal cash, the recipient must have voted in the last federal election. If they were not old enough to vote, they must at least be currently registered.

If we can focus on and achieve these goals, the U.S. will be a better place. Admit it; you agree with me.